I'm Sorry

I've come to the realization that I have to apologize to myself. For far too long, I have allowed my employers to make me feel that I am "lucky" to have a job or that I am "fortunate" to be working for them. I have allowed myself to internalize these feels and have convinced myself to think that I am worth less that my current circumstance. I have allowed myself to reinforce these beliefs with denied opportunities and have questioned by own competencies and qualifications. I regularly defer any type of group recognition to the group for success while also taking sole responsibilities for failures and shortcomings. I feel the need to be overqualified to even compete with those who are barely qualified. 

So, I am sorry. I am sorry I allowed other's devaluation of my skill and competence to question my own worth. I am sorry I allow myself to settle for less because I have internalized messages that I am lucky to work for an organization. More importantly, I am sorry for questioning what I know about myself and not having the internal strength to fight against socialized norms that don't always fit me. 

I am quite and introverted. I reflect and think. I believe my words should be heard so I refrain from just creating noise. I am not the person to introduce myself to everyone in the room, but I am the person to develop deep connections with others. What I lack in charisma I make up for in wisdom. What I lack in knowledge and skill I make up for in an eagerness to learn and humility. 

As I think about where I am in life and where I want to go, I know that my perspectives have to change. A true apology requires a change in behavior.